brainspill
hello all, apologies for the poorly formatted site. really just too lazy to watch a tutorial on how to properly develop a website so this will be it
this is brainspill. a place to spill my brains out. mostly diary entries from over the years, quotes, random thoughts, songs, and just general random stuff. welcome i guess
i will preface that most, if not all, of my early entries are very cringe and embarrassingly immature. i did not have a therapist then and i did not get diagnosed with the things that i am diagnosed with now
12/13/19 friday 7:49 pm
i guess i really am not that important to some people. people ignore what i say, people interrupt. i pretend that i forgot what i was saying because i know if i continued the wouldnt care either way about what i was saying. i wish i was just important to people. i dont want to blame other people. im just looking for an escape so i can shield myself from showing people my weakness. if ur reading this, dont tell anyone. atleast tell me that you've read it and nothing else. i dont know what kind of letter this would be called, but im trying to not make this a death kind of one. i want someone to help me, save me. im drowning. this all sounds cheesy and cliche but i cant trust anywhere else to write this. im trying my best to live everyday. i wish people wouldnt be so selfish but i cant help it. we're all people. humans. i wish that people would ask me if im okay, if im fine with life and how things were. i know that noone will ask this if i dont try make an effort. everyday, i refuse the urge to cry ever other minute. cant help but thinking sad thoughts, and life. i feel, everyday, theres something heavy on my head, or on my back. im under so much stress and pressure every single day and my only escape is this computer. my computer is my way of communicating with my bestest of friends, playing my favorite video games, doing everything. it helps me escape into the world of anonymity where noone knows what i look like, who i really am. i dont really want people to know who i am, but i also do. i want someone to fully, fully understand me and why i do the things i do. to understand my way of thinking. i know that that maybe too much to ask for, but all im asking for is a best friend. someone who isnt afraid of being hurt, someone who is willing to put up with my selfish shit. again, i feel that im asking for way too much. i hate the way i am. this is the reason why at one point i hated everyone around me, in my sight.
i am the result of how people treated me. i wish it was so easy to change. [たばこ (コレサワ) ／ダズビー COVER 8:07 pm.]
4/6/20 monday 9:56 pm, in quarantine
its been months since ive last written here (in my diary). recently, ive taken a 3 week break from instagram and snapchat. it felt good, but in the end i didnt get anything from it. so i think im lying when i say that it felt good. but whatever. i also met a new friend that was really down to earth. but the thing is, his laugh is kind of annoying. he sends long messages everytime we talk, which is a good thing as a down to earth person, but its hard for me to respond everytime. anyway, to my rant of the day. during this quarantine days have been feeling really dry. im glad that i dont have to struggle with waking up everyday for school, but i want to have fun with my irl friends in awhile. everyday is the same, wake up, eat, computer, sleep, repeat. it makes me feel so miserable. since we cant go anywhere outside, it just makes things worse. usually when you're having a tough time you're supposed to go outside and have some fun with trying new things but now that we cant, it's basically comfirming the fact that we cant do anything about our feelings and why we feel this way. i dont blame the government, in fact i blame myself. if i wasnt so hung over self-inflicted negative thoughts i would have more motivation to do things like practice guitar, draw more, study, plug in my piano. there's nothing that motivates me anymore. really, nothing. anyone or anything cant change my mind about these things. i just want to feel better. i just want someone who understands every single thing. i just dont want things to get to me.
lx is being toxic again, teasing and making jokes. im putting people before me but getting none out of it. its really frustrating that noone recognizes my kindness. now, i am trying to give people what they gave me. equal exchange of things. so this way, what ever i say to lx in the future will have no mercy and i will not regret saying it to him since he deserves it. how are people going to say such impolite and childish things and not expect anything back? you know it's really fucking selfish. it makes me want to im trying my best to have fun everyday. i want to stay away from my computer, but its my only source of happiness that doesnt get me bored after being on it for more than two hours. its unhealthy, but atleast it makes me happy. i dont want to go back because they just dont get it. i thought i was glad to have these guys as my friends, but i just generate more and more reasons on why i should stop talking to these people everyday. why am i such a coward? why am i such a selfish and mindless person? im just so useless. noone event wants me alive, talking. because after all, noone hears me. im trying to be someone thats reliable and honest, but i think im just ruining everything. someday i will have to end everything, even myself. i admit, that's really deep and dark, but it's myself. i just keep overthinking the imagination of their reaction to the news, with their horrible, horrible reactions. it makes me want to die. i hate my friends, and i hate everyone. im grateful for just a handful of things only certain people have done. i just wish that someone would ask me if i was really fine.
i just wish that i could have someone i could look forward to talking to everyday. someone special. and so because of this, i'll go to sleep at a reasonable time when i find something worth waking up for.
4/7/20 tuesday 5:12 pm, still in quarantine
today, i woke up sad. i was constantly waking up at random times because of my blanket, tangled and not covering my whole body, making me uncomfortable and cold. after doing this a few times, i noticed the song i was listening to. no chill, by if i die in mississipi on soundcloud. it was very ambient, and sad, in a way. i thought, "i should listen to this person more, i like this." and now im currently listening to it. its now reminding me of the freedom that i could have, like shiey who travels and calling his adventures "illegal freedom". and like chloe price, from life is strange who quit school to be herself, to change. a broken girl with strength. can i be like her? ; i thought. im always watching these kinds of people, just hoping that i can have freedom like them someday. freedom, a thing so powerful a lot of people dont understand. you can do anything, you can go anywhere, you can talk to whoever you want, and you can love whoever. will i ever have this kind of freedom? maybe, if i really try. but right now, most likely not. after all, im just young. as a lot of adults would say, they would probably tell me to enjoy things and have fun in the current moment because you cant when you grow up. and im now thinking, what if i just have fun and change while im at it? how hard will this be? i wonder. i will continue this document when its late, at night.
5:20 pm 4/8(9)/20 wednesday (thursday) 12:30 am, in quarantine
ive been playing rust all day. with glo, lx, rl, and ck. ive been doing nothing, all day. ive been sitting here listening to mogwai, wondering why i leave no difference or any of the sorts to anyone. noone acknowledges my existence. people can be so selfish sometimes. i hate it. guess that's just human nature. to be honest, glo has been kind of an ass ever since he started playing with us again. i know that i dont really need a gun because im always at the base, but its important that i atleast have something to protect myself you know? i just hate having no existence, it reminds me of the 6th grade. i hate it alot. i feel alone, despite having others talking in my ear for hours. ive been like this all day. just wondering if everything would be the same if i died. dark thought again, but its my true feelings that i shouldnt be afraid of showing. everyday is the same. i just want to sleep and sleep and sleep, until i die. am i going to live long? is the world going to last long enough so that i could live my dream? i truly dont know. i really wish i just could not care about literally anything in the world. am i too kind or too selfish? or just a plain coward. who knows.
mogwai - donuts 12:42 am
4/13/20 monday 11:30 pm, quarantine
today i woke up normal. no thoughts, no anything. ive grown used to the fact that i have to get up every single day and do the exact same routine. i dont know how to feel about it or what to say about it. today, cx gifted me code vein on steam. i was happy, and honestly he really didnt have to. before this though, he asked me if i wanted to play overwatch later after he got off work. i said yes of course, and by this time he would've already gotten off work. but i remembered that sometimes his work goes until 12 am, so maybe, just maybe, he will appear online. today was a lonely day. i went on reddit for a few minutes and saw a r/alone post talking about how this person, since he was 13 til age 20, felt like he couldnt connect with anyone despite having a lot of friends. and it made me think, maybe this may be my case too. my personas have mixed into a brown mixture and at this point, i do not know myself. i am insecure, that's for sure. am i lonely? or am i just scared to get deeply hurt again. i really honestly dont know. and someday, im just going to stop playing video games on this computer and find who i am. the longer this continues, the worse my personality and state of mind gets. the idea of it sinks my insides.
5/26/20 tuesday 8:57 pm, quarantine
its been about 2 or 3 weeks since the drama with rq. we met on valorant, because he asked if i was a girl (bc my username was jillstingray). im pretty sure i said that he could get my snap if he followed me on twitch. well, he followed me on twitch and we started whispering there. i eventually gave him my snap and we started talking there. he showed me his face, didnt show mine obviously. he then proceeded to ask me to prove that i was a girl probably because his friends asked him to. he looked like a good guy, genuinely, and i just wanted a friend. i said that i didnt like showing my face online because i wanted to keep my online and personal life seperate. and he said that it was okay and that he understood as just a curious person. but he didnt understand. this is what has been eating me up inside these past few weeks. men dont understand anything. they just want their expectations met and their sexual satisfaction. he assumed that i wasnt real and said that if i really am, then he's just wasting his time. wasting what time bitch? your queue time? what were you expecting?? im gay. i just fucking hate the fact that i have to be like every other girl on the internet, not insecure, able to show their face because they have confidence. i dont have the ability to do that. im not confident, and i think thats alright. i thinks its alright for me to be different. i just wanted to be treated as an equal, just the same as everyone else. not differently just because im a girl. i want to be the same. i dont wanna live by standards, i just wanna be treated like a normal everyday person.
6/25/20 thursday 5:44 am, quarantine
everyone is so fake and selfish. im so tired of being taken advantage of, or being treated differently from everyone else. i just want to be equal. i hate everyone. i hate having to adjust myself to fit other peoples expectations. its rubbing off on me. i just need people to be honest, i want to be treated like im one of them. not the odd one out because im a woman or some shit. noone will even remember me if i do go. is this streaming stuff what i really want to do? i just want to end my life. there's no point anymore, noone notices me. im just slowly fading away. i just need to go already. i just need to be in a better place, in a better environment, anywhere thats better. im so tired of keeping this life. ive never been okay, ive never been anything at all for these past few years. i havent felt genuine happiness in so long that i feel like im just going to reach the bottom of the ocean. noone is going to save me, and i know full well. noone would go through such advances for a person like me. its never going to show. im tired of living in false fantasies having the slightest bit of hope and never achieving it. im just going to give up.
7/2/20 thursday 7:11 am, quarantine
today i was unfollowing people on my personal account. i came across als's account and saw that she had a tiktok on her bio. i checked it out and saw that one of her recent posts were about glowups. it reminded me of how close we all were in elementary, and how careless. but, it also reminded me that i was always the ugly and annoying friend. noone actually genuinely cared about me. noone actually genuinely knew about me. ive been broken since elementary school, ive turned out to be a fucking piece of shit with social anxiety and can only make friends online. i dont even have the confidence to show my face, to show what i look like because ive been so insecure. everyone looks better, everyone grew up. and me, i just turned out as a complete piece of shit. i just wanna get away from this place. everything reminds me of the careless life i once had and ive had enough of it. i just want to get away from everything. nothing will help me. i just wanna start new. i hate everyone. i feel so ugly and insecure. why did god have to make me so goddamn different from everyone else? just fucking weird with ttm because of the extreme stress and anxiety i go through on a daily basis. i fucking hate it all. i just want to have confidence and be happy. it wasnt even much to ask for and here i am sitting in my bed fucking crying because i cant even get up every single day to do the most simplest things.
7/11/20 saturday 1:45 am summer break, quarantine
everyone is taking advantage of me. people put labels on things that should have been a secret. people make fun of me because they know i cant say anything. im a selfish coward. they ask me for money, say they'll pay me back, and just..dont. why is everyone playing me? i try to be kind and expect reciprocated kindness but all i get is tears running down my face every night. they act like buying things for me is a form of payment. i guess its selfish to ask for more but i want to be given what i gave. i just want people to recognize all the hard work i put in into being the person i want to be. but no matter what, i cant become that person. and it eats me up every single day. life is so exhausting. i would take a break but taking a break would mean taking away my only form of happiness. everyone puts pressure on me. everyone expects something of me. but i just want to die. the stress can only pile up so high. i have noone to rely on. noone will understand everything. im just a selfish coward that noone will ever come to like. everyone will get tired if me. everyone. i just want to be someone's form of happiness. but can i ever be that person? i have no existence at all. im just slowly fading away in the shadows, where noone looks. there is no light in my life. its just a deep ocean. nothing but fishes swimming around me and getting pulled away. live a good life or die, and i never lived a good life. im never going to last long in a relationship of any sort. i just wish that i can stop being this way.
7/14/20 tuesday 9:59 pm summer break, quarantine
i feel the most alone in this world. i have no real friends. everyone is just pretending so that they can feel better about themselves later. everyone says contradicting things. but im such a weak and selfish coward i cant own up to my thoughts. my head hurts today, im stressed. i feel like jumping off a building. im eating food to deal with the pain. im so fucking pathetic. i just need to do better. i just need to disappear. noone makes me happy. everyone makes fun of me. ive never felt so alone in this world. i just need to do something about my pain. theres no alternative. all i do is cry in my bed until its morning. i wish i had a life. i wish i was normal. i just wish that i had something to be proud of for once. i just need everyone to stop needing me, to stop annoying me. i have limits. noone wants to know me, noone wants to know what goes on in my life. i thought that if i was actually interested in other peoples weeks and days and lives they would be the same to me. but no. im tired of expecting the same treatment out of the people i like. treat people you want to be treated, right? no. i dont even know who i am. i dont even know what i want to do in the future. i just hope that one day i'll just find love, or move to a new place where noone knows me. i want to die.
7/16/20 thursday 5:59 am, summer break quarantine
why am i still trying? everyone is so invested in everyone else but me. im just such a boring person. everyone is lying to me. i dont even have any friends. noone even cares. i will never be the person i want to be. theres no point in trying anymore. its just so far. im just too much of a fucking boring person. i wish i was interesting. i wish i was a normal person. everyone else is so selfish. everytime i think that something is good about a person i just give up. i think this is the time where i give up my entire identity. i dont care about anyone anymore. i just need to feel who i am. i just need to feel genuine happiness. im getting worse and worse every single day. noone actually gives a shit about me. noone actually cares about me. there wont be anyone in this world who genuinely cares. noone wants to know. if they did, i would know. everyone is lying to me. im fucking going crazy. everyone else is so interesting, but im just a boring fuck. everyone hurts me in the end. i have no real friends. i have noone. i have absolutely noone in this world. everyone takes advantage of me. everyone is so fucking selfish. i just need to get away. i just want to kill myself. ive been dealing with this pain for so long but i have nothing to cope. after all, i just end up alone in the end. i push everyone away like its going to do something. im so fucking pathetic. i want to die. i want to die. i want to die. please. just end my pain. i just want to die. im tired of it all. everyone is so fake. everyone is taking advantage of me. everyone just wants to look good in the end. people want to feel good about themselves later on. im tired of these people.
8/9/20 sunday 3:16 am, summer break quarantine
classes starts in a few weeks. i dont want to go, nor do i feel mentally stable enough. atleast right now. this moment in my life is probably the most ive enjoyed summer, without even genuinely feeling it. but, i jinxed myself. i made that realization earlier today, and now im facing the overwhelming thoughts of being rejected in a community i thought i belonged in. its been a while since ive interacted with more than 3 people at once. atleast in text, and to complete strangers. i just want friends. i just want to enjoy my life for what its supposed to be worth. this is all up and down really, this point in time. there's lx being misogynistic, with a superiority complex making fun of me when im doing what i love. if what i do concerns you so much then you should put the same amount of curiosity in making yourself a better person. i just want to have fun, but i cant when people take everything seriously. maybe thats why im such a bad person. i never adjusted to be myself around the people around me. i have to deal with different versions of me because im always pretending. i dont know anymore. i dont think i can keep doing what im doing anymore. everything's rough. im trying my best. but, i can still end it all.
everyone is just so much better than me. everyone else. i just feel like everyone is yelling at me saying that i cant be anything at all. i will never change. everyone is good, im inferior. i just want to have genuine fun. but i bring everyone down. im just a burden to everyone. and the thing is, even if i did kill myself everyone would just move on. i was never a big speck in someones life. i will never be. im a side plan, something you'll deal with when you're bored. i wouldnt say im fine with it but i have to deal with it. its whatever. i just wish that i could have some sort of impact on someones life. just something. i just need to improve. but, we all know it wont happen. im a girl. gender is a thing, society is a thing. im afraid to speak out. i dont want to make it seem like im playing victim just because people wouldnt be honest with me and say whats wrong. i just want to know what im doing wrong and why noone cares what i say. everything is boring. in trying my best, but i dont feel like myself everyday. i feel like killing myself because all ive dealt with these past days is just pain
12/25/20 11:15 pm
i dont really feel like i belong anywhere, i feel like every space that i go into gets invaded and i just feel like im just floating in space. im going at a fast speed but i never know when im going to crash or when i need to take a break. i dont really feel like im trying my best to talk to people because when i feel like ive given my best, i just feel like its going to get shut down. i want to know everyone, but i dont want everyone to know me. but at the same time i feel like noone knows me. i have no presence. so when i have no presence, where do i go? do i just sit in one place and hope someone finds me? i wanna feel like i belong somewhere, but theres not enough spaces available. im trying my best to become something, but i just fail. i want to be something, i want to matter. i hate being left in the cold
2/27/2021 2:50 pm
escape to feel the fear of abandonment throughout the day
(message draft venting to a friend)
man everyone is super nice but i cant help but just feel like im not rlly myself anymore. like, when im talking to friends they enjoy my company, but i just fail to make any connections and have any similar traits bc i barely feel like myself anymore. when im playing games with people n im doing bad i feel like a piece of shit for bringing everyone down, bc i know i feel like i should be doing better, or atleast trying harder. i cant help but beat myself up rlly hard over things that are, in reality, super stupid lol
basically, i love everyone!! everyone is nice!!! i just dont like myself around others atm bc i fail to see myself as a person with connections
5/27/2021 1:36 pm
ive taught myself to let things come and go, but too much things are staying so maybe its me that has to go this time
6/4/2021 12:32 pm
you
you make me happy
(message draft to girlfriend)
but i dont even rlly know if i make you happy too
ik u say that being in my presence makes u happy enough but i think im just holding u down
i dont rlly ask to do things with u anymore cuz you'd probably say no and then u do other things w other ppl that i could do with u n i get it u prob just wanna do things with other ppl
n i dont want u to say sorry all the time cuz obv i do alot of things wrong too n i prob dont even notice it so i think id appreciate it if you'd tell me what i do wrong too so it isnt always you saying sorry
7/8/21 1:38 am
i really wanna leave. i just dont really feel the point of staying other than being her and streaming and doing everything. all i feel is fomo bc noone really asks me to hang and when i ask people arent rlly there. i just feel like a last resort to everyone. i hate everything really. am i weird? am i boring? everyone definitely hates me. just leave me already please. so i can leave knowing noone will care. please. i hate feeling alone
2:01 am
noone is there for you. noone is there for you. noone is there for you. noone is there for you. noone is there for you. you're alone. you're alone. you're alone. you're alone. you're alone. stop caring. stop caring. they dont care. they dont care. stop whining. stop whining. stop whining. stop crying. stop crying. stop crying. kill yourself. kill yourself. kill yourself. die. die. die. noone would care. noone would care. noone would care. noone would care. noone loves you. noone loves you. noone loves you. noone loves you. just die. just die. just die. just die. just die.
(message draft, same day)
i dont know how to ask for help
so i feel super alone
i hate that thats the one thing i havent learned to do after so much years of struggling
and everyone hates me
n its all my fault for being weird
i wish i didnt know anyone at all otherwise i wouldnt be feeling alone and always a plan b
id rather feel alone by myself rather than alone missing other people
cuz people suck
and im having such a hard time and nothings working
i was going to ask you to be there with me but i didnt wanna be a pain
i dont know im weird
7/11/2021 1:26 am , message draft
okay so
sorry if this isnt the right time i was always bad at this LOL
and ofc like, not even for me but if u need me just know that i 100% will always be here
i reply instantly 97% of the time even when u take hours and ill literally cancel plans i have with someone if i think ur having a bad day or sumth
so yeah thats pretty much all i have to say i think
10/2/2021 8:51 am
i love my girlfriend so much. im so close to doing it. im sorry [].
10/5/21 12:59 am
everyone hates me
it hasnt been the same at all im so tired of life and my own bullshit
i should kill myself soon
im gunna miss my girlfriend
how do i do my best to make sure she feels like enough before i die
she's always telling me it'll be okay
im sorry but you'll be okay, not me
kind of at one of my all time lows in life right now. not really satisfied with life
only doing good in 2 classes, im pathetic. nothing is going good for me
my friends probably hate me, and the only thing going for me is my girlfriend
i dont have money to entertain myself
im getting worse in games
engagement is going down
10/7/2021 2:03 am
you say you'll always love me, but i hope you come to hate me for what i do
10/11/2021 12:33 am
i think i should just kill myself. my friends are coming to hate me, and theyre going to be my girlfriends roommates if we last that long. i cant really stand myself anymore, and im doing a pretty selfish thing right now. im sorry [], but it's becoming too much for me. i just feel like im going to collapse and die. i hope i do honestly, i just feel like a failure.
10/12/2021 6:06 pm
ill never get to see the future, honestly. im not going to last long, i might as well just die soon. i love my girlfriend so much. i dont wanna live til the day i lose her. i wanna be with her forever. i know that she lies. she lies and says things are fine when things really arent to keep us together. why? why cant you let me go? there's noone else that's going to accept me for me, but you're such a sweet girl. everyone loves you. you could easily get anyone, []. why me? let me go. you already know im not good. u withstood all my splits, and you're still with me. why? you fixed alot of who i am, but am i fixing you? or are you just saying it's okay so you can stay happy with me? i dont know you. i dont know how im supposed to get to know you. what do i ask about you? what do i even wanna know? will asking get me hurt? i dont know. i dont know what i want, who i am, or who you are. im sorry []. i never meant to lie. i knew it was bad, and i was smart enough to think about the consequences. i kinda just wished you had let me go earlier to relieve the extent of pain you'll receive when i die. im sorry. you're a good person. a great person. i tried to antagonize you in the back of my mind, but i knew i was just trying to repress the fact that i hate myself. you're just so much better than me, and no matter what i always compared myself to how happy you always are, how nice and how everyone loves you. that could never be me. that would never be me. you keep me from leaving everything behind. i wouldve killed to even smell you, touch you, hug you. then again, not all lives are worth living. mine was determined to end.
10/14/2021 4:41 pm
i dont know who to look for when i look at you in the mirror
10/16/2021 11:56 am
i love you always
10/17/2021 12:08 pm
there were always so much things i wanted to say to you, but i knew that they would all hurt you so i buried them inside and let them hurt me instead
11:48 pm
you treat me like a real person, and you make me feel so grounded. proud to love you
i genuinely dont know what i would do without you. what will you do without me?
10/19/2021 11:09 pm
when you sound worried, it hurts. you worry so much for such an unstable person like me. im glad you care so deeply, but i feel like im suffering you. i make you worry all the time, the things i say always make you uncomfortable with the way you always draw a line, im always hurting you. even if we love each other, does it mean we should stay together? i hurt you too much, im sorry.
the way you always draw a line hurts sometimes. we both want to get closer to each other, but the only things we can tell are stories. how are we going to get closer, without stories, if you keep drawing a line? all ive ever asked for was for you to be honest and tell me the things you want to let me know. we've both been dishonest, but how was i going to improve if you never told me anything? sometimes, i felt like an insane person during that time when i was constantly telling you about things that bothered me in our relationship. i tried to explain to you that the reason why im always expresing those feelings constantly is because i wanna fix things right away, i dont wanna keep bottling up feelings and it all spilling and crashing in the end. im sorry i couldnt make you understand me. im sorry.
10/21/2021 7:36 pm
at this point, i dont care that i dont know her. im just glad that i know that she's always there when i need her
i love you forever and always
10/24/2021 12:37 pm
my soul is tired
i wish i could just stop everything and die
it just hurts all the time
10/28/2021 9:23 pm
i wonder if she'll wait for me until the end of time
i doubt it though, i can very easily imagine her hating me after everything
10/29/2021 11:01 am
we think too differently to be together. i would ask why we're dating and you'd probably say bc we love each other but not everyone who loves each other are perfect for each other. she would definitely be better off without me. things just arent the same as they started. i try to change things up but she always draws a line, i tell her about things she should change and she still does it. i feel like im close to her one day, but the next she proves me wrong. what are we even here for? do you want me to do all the work? who even are you
i feel like we have been going nowhere in our relationship. everyday is the same, what is so different? i dont even feel close to you anymore, sometimes it's even a chore. i still love you, the most out of everyone.. but we're so attached. why? i couldve been fine with us not talking everyday now im conditioned to feel obligated to talk to you every day. why? i hope that, when i die, you dont feel like everything was your fault. although, probably, knowing you, i feel like you definitely would. there was just no way i can ever convince you to think not everything is about your feelings vs my problems. i dont know, should we just let it go? i dont wanna see you happy with someone else though. you'll success more in another relationship with someone else and even if i should be happy, i just cant. i just wish you'd tell me what i was doing wrong.
you have no idea how much it hurts to see you say that you dont know how to talk to people when you're talking to me. we've talked everyday for what, 10 months? am i just another person to you? sometimes i wonder if i even impact your life. cant we just talk? i dont even.. recognize you. are you falling out of love?
10/31/2021 11:48 pm
im so sorry that you had to meet me but im so thankful i had found you. you make me feel so important and loved, you make me want to wake up the next day just so i can talk to you. i dont ever want to make you disappointed or sad, you deserve everything. im sorry for ever hurting you, you mean so much to me.
i have learned that most people look great without me. it doesnt matter if i feel sad or not. i am just a blink in everyones memory. i am going to die.
11/01/2021 12:04 am
i dont really deserve her. im a very selfish human being, a pathological liar, mentally insane and extremely unstable.
everyday, i feel like im picking out reasons on why i should be selfish and leave her. but letting go of her would he the single most painful decision ill ever make. noone in the entire world will come back happily to me no matter how sad i am and im really going to fucking miss that. i just hope i dont drive her away. i will never be happy to see her with someone else, im just too much of a piece of shit to even recognize my own feelings. all i can do is wish that she loves me as long as i try to love myself.
11/03/2021 10:39 pm
im tired of wanting more, i think im finally worn.
i gave up on trying because i always wanted more. i never taught myself what was enough and what wasnt. ill try, but not to the success point. all ill do is try and try to an extent to make sure i dont fail and disappoint myself. i dont know how to kill myself.
11/04/2021 3:25 pm
you are strong enough, []. i know you are. you're not depressed like me, and the amount of times you've helped me have been great, but it doesn't amount to the amount of times ive counted the many ways i could die. you always tried your best, and i respect you for that. i love everything about you. i just want you to stray strong enough to live long enough to love everything new that'll come.
11/06/2021 10:43 pm
we arent soulmates. i know you want to be with me forever, but i just want to die. i cant stand it here anymore. there's absolutely no way i can stand living with myself if we break up. there's no way you're willing to wait years for me to come back to you. you deserve someone who treats you gently, holds you gently, and teaches you better things than i do. you deserve someone who shares the same mindset, the same interest in games, is willing to live with you. i wish i could be that person. i really do. i just love you so much, just in a way that you wont even think of. i love you always. words cant even express how much i love you and how i wish we could just stay together forever until we grow old and die. until i recover from my mental illnesses, and finally be happy. i wish you could pull me out, i really do. some people arent as strong as they look. that person is me. but i do know that you're very strong. you're strong enough, []. to get through it all. im sorry it had to turn out this way
11/07/2021 10:28 am
i loved her too much. i loved her so intensely and i was afraid of loving someone too much. i didnt wanna get attached, i didnt wanna become obsessed, i didnt ever wanna feel jealous. i just wanted to please her no matter what, and be the best self i could ever be. i wouldve done anything for her. it's just so overwhelming, i wish she could just hurt me over and over and leave me. at the same time, i still crave her love because it's the most love ive ever felt in my entire life. noone else treats me the same way she does, and she's just so patient with me. all i ever wanted to do was love her with all my capacity and i thought everything would be fine. i try my best to be good for her, to teach her things. im just too weak of a person to accept what im given and i wanna accept it but i cant. i crave her love, even if she'll leave me later on. i just want her to be in my life forever. noone else but just me and her. i just wanted to be happy for the first time in my life. there was nothing i could do in the end. i ruined everything that had ever happened to me and my progress into becoming a better person all went to waste. im just going to kill myself because nothing is ever going to get better at all.
im sure that other people want her more than me. everyone likes her more than me, and i dont even treat her right. just leave me for somebody else and ill rot in my own because i deserve it. i truly and genuinely do. after you, there's no trying anymore. it's just the end and im fine with it.
5:13 pm
you only care when you feel you need to honestly. i dont really feel like i have any presence when im not there in front of you. i feel like you could forget me really easily even if i was gone for a while. it hurts, you know? im sure if i sad tweeted right now you would respond. i dont feel like you think about me all the time as much as you say you do and sometimes it feels like im chasing after nothing and that i should stop trying. just tell me whats wrong so i can fix myself
im not even sure why i feel like this. i fucking hate bpd. i always feel like i want to be with you forever since you treat me so well, but when im not there it feels like i dont even matter. why did you get me so attached to you?
5:20 pm
i know you want someone else already
9:06 pm
i should kill myself soon
im wasting my time trying to be better when im just going to die alone
i dont even know if she cares
it just feels like shes so drained of me
(screenshot)
i hope you two see this and regret this
i dont know what you guys are thinking
its definitely made me sad
and uncomfortable
i have a feeling [] is the type of person to not even put up a fight for me
it reminds me of my ex
just watching me get made fun of by his friends and him not even defending me
it will always be the same in the end
im never going to get cared for
im always going to be left behind in the dust
9:15 pm
why am i so unstable
just get rid of me already
i just feel like i cant even approach you with anything because you'll just give me an empty sorry like always
just say what you'll do next time and the issue is done
i feel like i always have to do the thinking and i dont even know if these are the words that i mean right now
they probably arent
but i just feel frustrated
nothing im doing is going anywhere and all i do is cry because thats all i can do
pretending to be strong isnt doing me any fucking justice
just blow my brains out already
9:59 pm
"i miss you" or do you just want me to pay you more attention so it feels like im still interested?
i wanna pretend that im not, but i love you so much
you deserve gentle love but i cant give you that
im sorry
11/09/2021 5:27 pm
one day she will realize, that all my bad outweighed my good. i hope she realizes that and leaves me for it. it's for me and you.
6:17 pm
why cant i ever balance out my thoughts
do you even care or are you just pretending
i wish you would stop waiting
11/10/21 7:29 pm
she really is my world. im sorry that im going to have to disappear from it soon though.
7:40 pm
she really is too good for me, and im glad that she's understanding my disorder. i hope that ive reassured her. she always returns her love when im acting abnormal. im sorry that you have to tolerate me. im sorry. you were so good. you did so well. im sorry.
11/11/21 10:40 pm
she's the only person that lets me explains why i love, and the things that i do. she's the one that's willing to listen, to pry me open and embrace the shards and heal them. all i want is for her to be happy forever, with or without me. sometimes, when i do want to disappear i think about how lonely you'll be without me and i get really sad, thinking about how much i'll hurt you in the end. im sorry about everything that ive ever done and lied to you about. you don't deserve any of the bad things that i gave you and i hope you live on knowing that i loved you the most out of everyone i had every known. you had no idea what was going on about me, it's all my fault. im so sorry for making everything hard for you. and honestly, i hope you hate me for everything i did. to you and to everyone. all i will ever wish is for you to be happy forever and know that i will love you always. forever and after. always.
11/27/21 10:06 am
it's unfortunate that time will eventually break us apart.
12/6/21 1:04 am
loneliness hits harder everyday that we waste making meaningless conversations. i dont really know who you are despite spending almost a year talking to you. sometimes i feel like im fighting in a meaningless battle towards getting closer to you as a lover, and sometimes i wanna stop fighting, but i just cant. i remember how you treat me so gently and with such care, for such a destructing figure like me. when we fight, i see you reaching out on the other side of the glass, sometimes cracking it, but cutting yourself in the process. im sorry that i hurt you in your ways of trying to figure out what's on the other side of my wall. im sorry. but, when i reach towards your cracked mask, it heals when i get close and turns into a smile. you always pull me in, and when i get hooked, you draw a line. you draw lines with jokes and i wish you knew how much it hurts. i feel trapped, sometimes. wrapped around your finger, trying to help you understand me for your own sake without trying to really help me understand you. i don't know you. i wish i did, but the more i know the more or recognize how selfish you really are for your own needs. i know it's bad, but sometimes i wonder if you just want to know me so you can figure out how to make me not leave you. it's understandable. but was there really any real interest or was it just admiration? did you like how i acted to be good? how i atleast tried to gaslight myself into thinking i really was a good person? there was absolutely no way i was going to turn out alright. i was always going to be the most rotten person out there, and i really truly and genuinely feel sorry for roping you into my cesspool of messes. i cant help myself. noone absolutely can. deep down, i am rotten; but all i really wanted was to gently be hold and loved, while also being told that things were going to be okay. even if i knew things were definitely werent, i wanted to experience something i was never given. i wanted to be eternally grateful for something perfect, but alas the flaws cut the stitches and blindfold me in the darkness of the world of imperfections; a world i could never escape.
12/10/21 6:19 pm
it's been pretty hard to deal with you recently. ive been struggling on my own, to be honest. i dont know what to do with myself. i just cant take things any longer, im filled with dread every day. i feel like im going to die every single day that i live and ive found 0 enjoyment in anything. i just wanna be happy but how is that supposed to happen if im always going to feel sad at the end of the day. i wanna kill myself so bad. im so tired of the pain. i just want to stab myself in the heart. i wanna hang myself. i wanna shoot myself in the head. i wanna get hit by a train. i hate myself so much. just stop stop stop stop filling my head
12/13/21 10:07 am
i dont ever wanna get tired of you. but sometimes i feel like i am losing interest. im glad that you're trying to talk to me. but, it hurts when you say that you dont know how to talk to me, and then you continue to say that you dont know how to talk to people. it makes me feel like im working towards something that wont work, but im trying to make itself not fail. i dont ever wanna be bored of you. it hurts when i cant reach to you. it hurts when it feels like we dont know each other.
12/29/21 10:05 am
i remember exactly how her voice sounds when she's crying, or when she's sad. every time it replays in my head it hurts, i dont ever wanna hurt her and i feel like i always am. why cant i just be better for you? can i satisfy you? will you stop drawing a line? everyday with you, i ask so many questions. but, if i were to ask you you would probably play it off as a joke. i dont know what im doing wrong.
5:30 pm
i wanted to care for her, for as long as i could because i knew that i would just be another passing person in her life. im sorry []. ive never met anyone like you. you're nice to me, you give me a chance, you tell me it's okay. you were the best person i had ever met in my entire life. i didn't know what to do with you. i know that the longer this goes on, the worse of an outcome it is. im sorry. i love you []. i love you forever.
1/11/22 9:12 pm
ive been thinking of a route of breaking up with her before she can find anything out. it would be the less painless, but im just being selfish again. she'll probably learn to love someone as much as she did me, and that would be great; just if i didnt know. the plan was to break up with her, maybe send notes or symbols, and kill myself. i dont want to kill myself while im with her. i just really dont think im ever going to get better at any point in my life. no future plans, no goals. just death.
[insert cringy paragraph about the million things ill miss about her]
you're the best thing to ever happen to me []. i wish you the best in everything that is yet to come, even if you hate me.
1/17/22 9:18 am
happy anniversary gf!! i love you for everything you do, especially for us. our ups and downs have for sure been rough, but we always push through and grow from those experiences. i love you for sticking with me through everything i go through, comforting me when im sad, and helping me even when you dont even know how to help. you try your absolute best, and i love you so much for that. being with you gives me a reason to be more optimistic about things, and it gives me something to really work hard towards (not that our relationship is objectifyingly trivial). with you, i always want to protect you from anything that can hurt you. ive already said this before, but i really have never met anyone like you. you have a great (stupid) sense of humor, you're cute, you're smart, you're generous.. you're considerate. even with meeting thousands of people throughout my entire life, i've never met anyone as good as you. i know i'm bad at expressing my feelings, but there are many things that i love about you. i love the way you say [my name], the way you say mmm, how cute you sound when you're in bed, and how cute you sound when you wake up. your stupid incomprehensible jokes, when you call me a dumbass or a dork, your laugh, but especially your laugh when you're genuinely laughing. the tweets you make on your private when im sleeping or even when we're in call, the cute voice you make when you talk about cats, you hugging me in vr, and when you kiss me. there's so much more i want to say but the message would be too long!!! more importantly, i love you more than i've ever loved anything, and i'll always love you
2/7/22 1:21 am
i know that i love her more than she loves me. she's the sweetest girl ive ever met. i dont want to lose more good things in life. i wanna stay in her life forever. i know she's starting to hate me. that's okay. i love you always [].
2/14/22 12:40 am
i dont know how to feel like enough when you hate yourself so much. i wanna help you work on yourself so we can grow together, but half the time i feel like you just sit there and do nothing about your problems and not realize the damage it causes to me too. i wish you would start loving yourself, i know it's hard, but all i could ever want was for you to try and be happy if you dont believe the affection i give to you. satisfy yourself, because i cant. you only really satisfy yourself with ideas of me rather than the things i actually do and it hurts alot to see that no matter what ill never cross that line you've drawn between us. sometimes it feels like you're protecting yourself from me and trying to do me a favour, but all it does is make me feel helpless and unfulfilling as nothing i do will ever satisfy the unhappiness you have for yourself.
2/18/22 11:50 am
i just feel very conflicted. the other night we had a small argument about playing games with each other and she said that "she kept asking me to play ( )" and i just never felt so alone and invalidated in the moment in my life. she only really asked a few times and on valentines day i was already feeling bad about her basically spending all day playing ( ) and with bl, and i thought she'd understand that id want to rest but i guess she didnt. then later on i said that nothing is working, sort of implying a break, and she said that she wanted to keep trying after a pause and that dhe was sorry for ruining things. she then proposed that she was gunna try and make things better like talk to me alot and play games, and she did do good yesterday, but today i feel alone again because she's busy playing ( ). im just afraid she's going to go on to do the same thing she always does and says sorry and acts on the solution, then goes back to being the same. i just want her to pay attention to me without anything else interfering, since i already feel alone as it is. not only that but elden ring is coming out and i already know she's gunna put all her attention into that rather than me like she did with xiv. im trying to understand but she doesnt do anything to reassure me with my worries other than tell me she loves me and while that is enough for me to believe that she loves me, its not enough to reassure my feelings of loneliness when she'd rather put her focus into games rather than talk to me. but, i feel like alot of these things are selfish and also the bare minimum at the same time so i dont know how to feel. i just dont wanna ruin my life wasting my time over a person again when i know this can be fixed if the work is put in. she never truly understands what i say when i try to explain things to her so i think this may be the end.
11:59 pm
it hurts knowing that i love her so much. my only happiness in the world, the one i feel most safest around. the one who makes me feel loved when im sad and included when i follow her. im going to die very soon and im going to leave this poor sweet girl alone in the world. i hope she finds happiness with someone better and more deserving than me. i only wish her the best out of the love that is in my soul and i hope she'll accept what i had to do. im sorry []. you're the best person ive ever met in this world, and you're the sweetest. see you later.